Do's and Don'ts of Apologizing to Someone You Love

                                                                    Saying you're sorry can heal wounds and rejuvenate your relationship.

Here are some DO's and DON'Ts when making an apology:

1. DO apologize face to face. While it is sometimes easier to apologize in writing, the full effect requires speaking your words in the presence of the other person. However, if circumstances make that impossible - or if emotions make it too risky - it's perfectly fine to do it in writing, as long as privacy is maintained.

2. DON'T dilute the apology. If you've decided to express regret for something you did or said, it's counterproductive to include words of defense or complaint. It defeats the purpose of your "sorry" to add a "but" followed by an excuse for your actions or an attempt to spread the blame. To be effective, an apology must be sincere and unconditional.

3. DO be specific, but DON'T be long-winded. The apology must be specific enough that your spouse knows what you're apologizing for. For example, instead of "sorry for what I said," you might say "sorry for what I said about your driving last Thursday when we were going to the restaurant." However, don't say more than is necessary for clarity.

It is crucial for you to take responsibility and ownership for behavior that contributed to the problem.

4. DO express a commitment to repair any damage done, if relevant. When something that you said or did can be reversed or the adverse effect can be neutralized, it's appropriate to announce your intention to do so. This is what it means to "make amends." For example, if you destroyed or damaged something in anger, you should commit to replacing or paying for the item.

5.  DO pay attention to the other person's response, but DON'T debate. If the recipient of your apology wishes to respond, you should listen to (or read) their words. However, generally you should avoid responding (beyond acknowledging that you heard what was said), as you might inadvertently say something that reopens a wound or detracts from your apology. As difficult as it might be, this is not the time to be reactive or defensive.

By offering a sincere apology and attempting to make amends, you are doing your very best to repair the relationship or avert conflict. Unfortunately, you have no control over the attitude or response of the other person but these are the things you can do to improve your chances of a good outcome.

Keep in mind that your husband or wife may not be able to forgive immediately, as he or she may need time to heal. You can always ask if there is anything you can do to help the healing process. Whatever the nature of their immediate response, you can be confident that your apology is the best step to repair the strength of the marriage in such situations. Apologizing shows respect, courage, and vulnerability. It demonstrates your commitment to your marriage. It does not make you weak or less of a person. Apologizing gets easier with practice. Furthermore, after seeing how it restores the equilibrium in your relationship, you will be motivated to apologize in the future when it is appropriate.