You and I know that a marriage can’t continue to be a honeymoon forever. There are bills to pay and grass to mow. It’s so easy to get caught up in the things that we have to do that we can start to substitute them for romance. Yes, we take out the garbage partly for our wives so that they won’t have to, but if we didn’t have wives, we would still take out the garbage, wouldn’t we? Isn’t that also true for going to work, moving the lawn, vacuuming the floor and anything else that we do around the house? Although we can do a lot for our wives, the very fact that we would need to do those things anyhow does nothing to pluck her heart strings. You may or may not get a thank you, but more romantic feeling from her? Nah. If that’s the reason you are plowing the back 80, you may as well trade in your tractor for a pair of walking shoes. Taking a walk with her will actually build more love in her heart than working your butt off all day long. Why is that? Because walking with her is not something you have to do, and because your attention is focused on her.
Women don’t want to feel needed–they want to feel special
You may need your wife a great deal. You may need her to cook for you, clean for you, help you pay bills, raise your children, listen to you talk about work, have sex with you, or keep you company while watch a movie. If she were to leave, you would miss these things very much. But, what is it about these things that makes her feel special? What is it that makes her feel like she is the only one who could possibly do these things for you? Probably not much. She may feel that if she were not with you to do these things, that you could just find someone else who would, and be none the worse off for it. Some men may even add insult to injury by enjoying looking at pornography or other women while making their wives feel like it doesn’t matter how they look. She might feel like it wouldn’t even matter to you if she were silent and invisible as long as your needs were met. What your wife needs for her emotional maintenance is to feel like she is special. That there is something uniquely valuable about her that, try at they might, other women just couldn’t provide for you. Is it realistic? Probably not. But, the emotional needs of a woman don’t have much to do with reality. She needs something beyond you needing her—something that makes her feel special. Something that lets her know that she is the woman—the only woman, for you.
You have three love sending body parts. None of them are inside your pants
They are your face, your hands, and your voice. Regardless of how hard you work, your wife uses these three things to judge the way you really feel. And, that’s more important to her than what you do. Men respond to action, and women respond to eye gaze, words, voice, and touch. Master these and use them liberally. You don’t need to take acting lessons to know how to use these right, because all of them naturally reflect your inner attitude. If you have the attitude, the desire, and the motivation to show love in your face (especially your eyes), your voice, and your touch, she will feel it. She will feel it like electricity running right into the center of her emotions. These flip the switch of love for long time married women just as well as they do for young single women. Just like men, women do not outgrow what makes them feel in love.
Adjusting your attitude comes first
Let me give you a couple of attitude adjustment examples. Attitude is connected to your thinking. To improve your attitude, change your thinking. So, if you are thinking something like, “What does she want now?” it’s possible you might have an attitude of curiosity, but it’s more likely your face will show disinterest or annoyance. Change your thought to, “I can take a moment out for my lovely wife,” and your eyes, face, and voice will be entirely different. Even on the phone, it will be different.
You have two receiving body parts that help her love grow
There are two more parts of your anatomy that will really turn her on. If you are thinking your muscular arms and butt, you are wrong. They won’t turn on a wife who doesn’t feel love. Your two key body parts for helping your wife feel love for you and to feel loved by you are your ears. You don’t need to be able to wiggle them (although that is a plus); just use them to listen.
Make what’s important for her be important for you
Whenever she is saying something that is important to her, shut your mouth, open your ears and listen, listen, listen. Don’t disagree (disagreements disconnect), don’t solve her problems (unless she asks you to), and don’t interrupt and talk about your opinion. Listening is a beautiful gift that she may not get anywhere else. She dreamed about sharing her life with you when she committed to you. And women share by talking. So listen. You can talk some other time. You don’t have to talk when she’s talking. You can include gaze and touch in your listening. There’s a reason women prefer to sit face to face when talking.They look for the other’s emotional reaction to what they are saying. When you are listening to your wife, stop trying to think of some brilliant response and instead connect with her with your facial expression, eye contact, and touch. If you and your wife have grown a little distant, the eye contact may seem hard at first, but persevere!
Are you skeptical? You may have a reason to be
I can hear you saying that you are doubtful that changing your attitude would work with your wife. And, you may be right–depending on how long she has gone without feeling loved. You see, when a woman doesn’t feel loved for a long time, her own love starts to shut down. And she has no idea how to start it up again. As far as she is concerned, she won’t believe it is even possible for it to start up again.
What happens if she stops loving you?
If she stops loving you, she is eventually going to start to think about leaving you. After all, in her mind, that’s the only way that she can feel loved again, and since she doesn’t feel loved by you anyway, she will conclude that it’s the best choice for both of you. If you try to convince her at that point, she will just think you need her, but you don’t really love her. After all, if you did, you would have treated her much better, sooner, right? Her friends and family will also tell her the same thing.
You need to do something really unfair to restart her love
You have to give her love even while she is unable to give it to you. I know it’s not fair. You would like to be instantly rewarded for your new and loving behavior. And, she would like to be able to give it to you, but she can’t. Women can’t manufacture love in their hearts–you have to do that. Whether or not your wife will ever love you again is not up to your wife. It’s up to that guy in the mirror.
Don’t test her love endurance
Eventually, feeling unloved and being unable to love you, she will see ending your marriage as the only option of happiness for the both of you. She is not likely to tell you until she has already prepared to leave. Then, she will see any attempt on your part to get her to stay as your own selfishness and neediness. No matter how loving you are at that time, your love will be rejected. To reconcile at that point will require professional help. You are best off not using marriage counseling at that time, since your wife is likely to use it (if she goes) to get the counselor to say that divorce seems like the best option for both of you. Reconciliation coaching will be your best chance of rescuing your marriage. If you are not at that point, don’t wait for it. Create love in your wife so you never need help. Don’t be like the guy that never changed the oil in his car because he knew a good place to get transmissions rebuilt.
