As a marriage counsellor, most questions that drop most at times in my personal mail box is......"Counsellor, what is the right time for sex in marraige, what do I do? "Today I will address this conern from a complete more reliable view of a marriage counsellor.
Someone who has never had sex before might write it just as it is above.
But plenty of people who have had sex still wonder about this. Is the right time to have sex when my partner wants it?
When I want it? When we’ve gone more than two weeks without having it?
It’s a question without an answer. Not only because everyone has to find their own answer (a response that sounds empowering but usually feels like a cop out). But because it’s a trick question.
The question obscures something we should be attending to. What does “right time” mean? Does it mean that there’s a time to have sex that will always guarantee the sex is good, or great? Is there a time that no matter what happens during sex everyone involved is going to finish up feeling satisfied and acknowledged? Is that what a “right time” would be?
Sex between two (or more) people can’t come with a guarantee like that. So much of the sex we have leaves us feeling empty, unsatisfied, or ignored, even when we chose the time and place and person to do the sex thing with. And some of that is sex we would still consider good, or be happy we had.
Sex isn’t pretty. It’s messy (maybe that’s why so many of us do it in the dark).
And the idea that there is a right time to have sex sets up a false expectation that every sexual encounter is either good or bad, that it is either exactly what we wanted or a terrible mistake.
Think about the first time you had consensual sex with someone other than yourself. Was it amazing? Was it everything you hoped it would be? Were you sober and conscious and “in the moment” enough to remember every detail.
Probably the answer to some or all of those questions is no. But are you sorry you had sex that first time? Again, if it was consensual, a lot of us would say no. We learn from good and bad sex experiences and, more to the point, an individual sexual experience can be both, even at the same time.
So When Should I Have Sex for the First Time?
Some sex educators have checklists to help you think through this for yourself. By far the most extensive list I have ever seen is Scarleteen’s Sex Readiness Checklist.
My colleage Ellen Fredrichs who runs the LGBT Teens site on About.com, has her own response to the question Are You Ready for Sex?
Lists and flow charts can be helpful, and I recommend them because they’ll get you thinking. If you have people in your life you trust to not freak out about why you’re asking, I also recommend talking to them and asking them how they decided to have sex for the first time, and how it went?
Some people will say they wish they had waited. Some will say they were glad to get the first time over with. In an ideal world, the first time you have sex wouldn’t be something you wanted to get “over with.”
But as long as you’re having sex with someone you want to have sex with, and you are only doing what you want to do, the only thing you can know for sure is that once you have sex, you’ll have had it. You can’t know if you’ll like it or hate it, feel powerful or embarrassed, want to run away and hide or stay in bed and hide together, forever.
Knowing about your own body, knowing what turns you on, knowing about safety and risk, and being able to communicate, are all things that may increase the chances that you’ll enjoy sex, but none of them can guarantee that the time will be right.
And When Should I Have Sex with Person X for the First Time?
This question about the right time for sex continues to pop up even after you’ve peeled off the virgin label from your forehead.
Is it okay to have sex on a first date? Is it better to save sex for later?
What if you love someone but don’t feel that excited about them sexually? Do you just try it to see if the chemistry exists?
This might sound like a shocking proposal, but one thing you could do when confronted with this question is ask the person you’re thinking about having sex with. For people whose sex lives might be called queer, this won’t sound so shocking. After all, before deciding to go away for a weekend with someone, or move in together, or even see a movie, you’re going to check in with the person you’re making plans with, right?
You need to find out if they are free that weekend, or if they like Vietnamese food, or if they want to see a four hour long documentary about bees. So why not ask them if they think it’s a good time to have sex?
The answer is because heteronormative and gender-normative influences leave most straight people feeling like sex is something they can’t ask about. As if hearing a sexual rejection is a fate worse than death (it isn’t) or the earth will open and swallow you up for the transgression of sexual forthrightness (it won’t).
It takes practice to learn to ask someone you want to have sex with if they want to have sex with you. It doesn’t come easy. But people do it all the time. And you might be surprised at how powerful it can make you feel to break the rules and speak honestly and directly about your desire.
